Hello friends,

I’ve been walking this intentional Spiritual path for 16 years, and I’ve been a student of Abraham-Hicks for 7, and I had developed to a place where I was very comfortable in my understanding of the Universe, my role in it, and my Spiritual beliefs.  I believed that being Spiritually centered was just who I was now, it was how I thought about life, and how I reacted to everything.  I never got angry, I rarely got even frustrated, most of the time I was truly a happy, loving and Spiritually focused person.  I had begun to take it for granted.

When I look back now, the last few months illuminated for me that I had become a bit arrogant about it all.  I was proud of myself for being a woman who never got sucked into anyone else’s frustrations, much less their battles.  One who was always deeply serene, centered and joyful.  I was a voice of peace, love and soothing when interacting with others.  I simply didn't allow anyone else's contrast to effect my life, I refused to let my vibration be lowered to any other level.

Sure I experienced contrast as a part of life, but I chose not to let it determine how I felt about my life.  And through Abraham I realized being that feeling good was my birthright.  What I didn’t realize that it was something that I had to hold on to and consciously nurture in order to maintain it.  I thought I'd become immune to feeling disconnected.  I mean I had my days of feeling more connected than others, even weeks, but I always felt my connection was a major part of who I was, something I could completely depend upon being there for me always.

The teachings of Abraham taught me that I get to choose my thoughts and how I react to everything.  In 2008 I Gracefully lived through first, my dear Mother’s crossing over, and then faced major surgery feeling strong in my beliefs.  I faced both with my Spiritual strength never for a moment wavering.  After those events, I was so Spiritually confident that I didn’t think anything could seriously shake me, I thought my Spirituality was secure regardless what happened in my life.  But in the aftermath of the anesthesia, my physical recovery, my old habits of self nurturing, and many other things, an overall feeling of numbness overcame me and I began to feel very lost. 

My life passion had been expanding my thinking and creating my life through meditation and reading Spiritual books, but I got to a point where I felt so disconnected I could hardly open anything enlightening.  When I did, I felt resistance, or worse, numbness.  I didn’t know why I had become so resistant to the very part of me that had meant the most to me before.  I just missed it terribly.  While I wasn’t angry or upset, I was as close to depression as I’ve been since I began my Spiritual path.  In the 16 years I've been on this Journey, I've never experienced as profound, or as long a feeling of separation as I have been feeling most of the last 10 months.  I know the surgical anesthesia used on me was a trigger for me, (I’d experienced it as a trigger for depression many years ago) but I thought I was Spiritually strong enough that it wouldn’t happen this time. 

And during all of this I gained back every ounce I released and became uncomfortable, frustrated and confused with most every aspect of my life, which only deepened the upstream spiral in which I was caught.  Once I'd learned how wonderful connection feels, feeling disconnected felt so much worse than it ever had before in the past. 

“The faster your vortex spins and the more you have put in it, then the more responsible you must be in being inside of it.  Because the more you ask for a wonderful life, anytime you hold thoughts that don't hold you in there . . .  You could have a thousand things that when you think about take you right into the vortex, and ONE thing, like a son, that you care about that you think a lot about, that holds you outside the vortex.  In other words, it doesn't mean there are big, big, BIG things going on.  It means you want to be in there and you're not, because you think thoughts that don't let you stay in.”  Excerpted from an Abraham-Hicks workshop in San Antonio, TX on 4/18/09

However, I now realize I created the situation with a purpose, including the trigger.  Because I realize I create everything in my life.

Looking back now I see now that I didn’t see then how much I had already become the woman I had always wanted to be.  I have a tendency in life to always focus on how far I have yet to go, so much so that I don’t give myself credit for how far I’ve already come.  I see now, that before it all happened I had been doing some very strong asking.  As happy as I was, I wasn’t anywhere near content with my life.  I looked at the things I still considered wrong with my life and used them as reasons to not give myself credit for how far I’d come, or for the joy I felt in my life.  As happy as I had become, there was always a dark cloud of un-created desires hanging over my life, a feeling of “if only” . . .

If only I were thinner . . .

If only I had more money . . .

If only I could actually hear my inner voice speak to me . . .

Feeling disconnected has taught me a deeper appreciation for being connected.  I’ve learned that yet created desires are special, to be appreciated and nurtured but not held up as standards to judge myself for where I stand now.  I've learned to appreciate my joy and to not take it for granted.

I realize now that it’s all part of living as a Spiritual person, the ups, the downs, the connection and the illusion of disconnection.  Because as Abraham says, there is no disconnection, we are always connected, we just may not be allowing the awareness of our connection. 

It’s all part of the journey and it’s all beautiful.  The past 10 months haven’t felt so great, but the blessing is that I get to choose today to feel wonderful again, even more wonderful than in the past.  Today I get to take the good lessons and then gently shut the door on what has been, and then to turn to embrace what is today. 

I get to re-create myself again.  I get to re-release the pounds I put back on, and to know it will be just as easy this time as it was last year.  I get to enjoy releasing them again as much if not more than I enjoyed it last summer.  I get to experience my determination and focus again.  I get to accept my vulnerability and to accept my strength and to know that I am a Grace filled woman who is capable of both.

I get to choose my outlook again.  I get to choose that everything I’ve experienced was designed by Grace and I together, not to frustrate me, but to enhance my life.

I get to appreciate the illusion of disconnection, because for me it sure has enhanced the feeling of being connected again.

“The heaven you are hoping for is here in the moment of your joy.  And the hell you fear is here in the absence of your joy.  That's it!”  Excerpted from an Abraham-Hicks workshop in San Antonio, TX on 11/17/07b

And I get to learn new lessons to share with you.

With much love,

Tigerlily