Trusting Myself
Something that I keep coming back to as I explore this spectacular adventure of my mine is trusting myself. I never realized how much my past had lead me away from simply trusting myself.
If someone disappoints you enough times, you begin to lose your trust in them. Unless you set boundaries, if you stick around long enough for them to disappoint you enough times, you lose trust in them completely. Then you become suspect of everything they say and do. It’s just a process we see in others all the time, but I’ve never looked at it from the vantage point of me doing it to myself.
It makes sense when I get some distance from “how I’ve always thought” for me to realize that every time I’ve gained back a pound I’d worked so hard to lose, I disappointed myself. Every time I “failed” at losing weight, I disappointed myself. Every time I listened to someone outside me tell me what I should be doing, or the “right” way to do it, and didn’t live up to their expectations, I disappointed myself. And I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve disappointed myself as I put a bite in my mouth, one I didn’t need physically but craved emotionally.
For anyone who has gained more weight than they wanted, self-trust becomes a huge issue. I know I lost my faith in my own power as I helplessly (at least that’s how it felt at the time) watched the scale rise one pound at a time. With each guilt filled bite I questioned my strength to change the situation, my lack of willpower, my ability to make the best decisions for myself, my motives, the very nature of my values and beliefs. I abused myself with thoughts I would never allow anyone outside of me to say to me. If anyone treated me the way I treated myself emotionally, by saying the things to me I said to myself I would have instantly realized they were a toxic person and I would have fled them as fast as my legs would carry me. But coming as thoughts from my own mind, I simply accepted those negative beliefs as true. It’s no wonder I quit trusting myself.
I was always more concerned with how I was disappointing others, so much so it never occurred to me that with each “failure” I was chipping away at the most important trust in my life . . . how much I trusted myself.
I mean, if I don’t trust myself . . . how can anyone else trust me? How can I trust others? If there is no trust between me and me, then really . . . what trust is there in my life?
The thing that I’ve learned with Abraham (Abraham-Hicks.com) is this is so much bigger than simply trusting the physical me to make the right decisions. It’s bigger than weight or will power or frustration.
It’s really about trusting the reality of my connection to the Universe. It’s knowing that I am not just a disembodied physical being walking around alone in this world. But a connected Spiritual being who came here to experience physical and expand the Universe itself. It’s trusting that my connection is and has always been strong, and that any decisions I made before I realized I was connected, were the best I could make with what I knew at the time.
I could never trust myself entirely before I knew about LOA because I wasn’t aware of being the creator of my experience, that I alone had the power to create whatever I wanted. I always felt at the mercy of beings outside me (physical and non-physical) who had more power in my life than I felt I had.
Now that I know about LOA, about allowing and creating I have found this amazing gift within it. The gift of trust.
I know that I can trust myself explicitly, because I know I am an extension of Source embodied. I know that my decisions, no matter how small, can all come from the same place within me that guides the planets, the tides, the seasons. I know that I have personal access to the intelligence of the Universe, and that all I have to do is think before I act and ask to feel inspired in my choices.
I realize that it’s not about whether I am trustworthy or not, it’s only about whether I take the time to make decisions from a place of connection. Or if I follow my past behavior and make them from disconnection. It’s about following my easy guidance, where how I’m feeling lets me know if what I’m doing what is aligned with my true self and my desires. And it’s about trusting myself that whichever decision I make, if I don’t like the outcome, I can always make a new decision and change my experience.
It’s about trusting that I am connected to the Universal stream of non-physical energy that is always there for me in every way possible. That I’m always connected, always loved, and always guided by all knowing knowledge.
Delegate it to the manager. You have this really good staff that will take care of everything for you. You just have to delegate it -- and trust it. Excerpted from the Abraham-Hicks (abraham-hicks.com) workshop in St. Louis, MO on Tuesday, July 18, 2000
Yes, trusting myself is a gift. It’s something I’m just learning to do (again), and like any new relationship, at times it feels tentative. However the wonderful thing with this relationship is no matter how long it takes or how many times I’ve let myself down, I’ve learned I'm not going anywhere, I can trust that first about myself. And I know I will keep finding new ways to honor my connection, to allow inspiration, and to trust myself as the Spiritual being I truly am.
Much love,
Tigerlily
Hi Tiger Lily: An excellent post with lots to chew on (no pun intended). I remember clearly asking my therapist once: "When will I ever be a grown up? When will I be able to trust myself to follow through?" My track record in many areas is excellent; I always do what I say I will do. But in a few areas I'm like a child, promising one thing (either to myself or to others) and ultimately delivering results that fall far short of what I thought I could/would produce. Weight control is the most obvious of those poor results. I wear my failure everyday for everyone else to see!
So, yes, I trust myself in many ways, but not to take good care of my body. Trust can only come when I have followed through consistently. When I have made thoughtful food choices - consistently. When I have moved and stretched my muscles and joints - consistently. When I have given my body enough water to drink every day.
Those times when I have successfully controlled my eating behaviors (dieted), it is the self-control that felt best, even better than the weight loss.
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Thank you Radiance Project for your thoughtful and honest comments. I love what you said about not feeling growing up, I can identify so much with that feeling. Though I think sometimes we have our expectations a little backwards, we spend so much time expecting ourselves to be perfect, and so little time expecting our lives to be easy, our desires to flow naturally and effortlessly to us.
I think the key is to focus on the ways in which we do trust ourselves already and give ourselves a break on the ways we feel we let ourselves down. To realize we were always doing the best we could with what we knew and the tools we had at the time.
So often we set ourselves up with harsh expectations of perfection that really would require a quantum leap of change for us to accomplish immediately. And that automatically widens the gap in how much we trust ourselves.
How about getting up and promising yourself you will take better care of your body today, not perfect or even good care, just better than yesterday?
And how about just for today I will make more thoughtful food choices, stretch my muscles more, flex my joints more, and drink more water? Not the perfect amount, just more.
I think sometimes trust, once lost, must be regained a little at a time. That expecting myself to change drastically in order for me to trust myself again would be too big a leap. But that one day of better care, followed by another, and another, and another, can lead to a steadfast rebuilding of my self-respect and loving trust.
I know I personally don't ever want to judge myself as a failure at anything again. Because I simply don't believe I honestly ever failed at anything. I refuse to look at my big belly and see it as anything other than evidence of my self love. I gained this weight to protect myself, and while I don't need that protection anymore, it wasn't a failure on my part. It was survival. And I'm so very proud of myself for my past survival instincts, my desire to self protect and the self love that shows I've always had (even if it is in the form of a huge tummy!)
If I didn't lose weight in the past it wasn't my failure, I simply did not know the creative process for success. Which I'm discovering now.
Not accomplishing any goal wasn't a failure, it was a learning experience. And yes, I too have had enough of those type of learning experiences . . . while I'm grateful for everyone of them, I'm willing to let go of self-judgment and allow a new creative experience now.
I understand what you said about self-control feeling better even than the weight loss, however for me personally I've never been capable of sustaining that type of willpower for any length of time.
This time I'm looking for a different creative experience, a lasting one. Instead of self-control, I want to feel Spiritual Confidence. Instead of willpower I want to feel mastery. I want to feel the vibration of success pulsating through me and guiding me in my choices. Instead of having to remind myself that I must force myself to follow a health regimen, I want to feel inspired to naturally do what I know in my heart is best for my body, my soul, my life.
Oh and I love using weight related puns, they remind me not to take myself too seriously, intend them all you want!
Much love and gratitude to you Radiance Project!
Tigerlily
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Very cool! Initially when you talked about others disappointing you, I went off on another track, thinking about expectations that we hold for others instead of ourselves - and I had trouble equating that with distrust of self, but you brought me around very nicely! One of the key things I've noticed in the last 5 years is when I'm disappointed...I begin to doubt myself, lose faith in my ability to discern what is good for me, forgetting that I CHOOSE. I recognize it sooner now, but it does take me awhile to turn it around in my gut, to feel it from the inside out, and just because I recognize it doesn't mean I'm never subject to self distrust again. And that's okay...I never get it done and I never get it wrong. (g)
I've enjoyed this post, as usual.
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Thank you Gina!
There truly is such peace in "I never get it done and I never get it wrong" isn't there? That is really what this is all about, finding peace with where we are, knowing it's the key to change and expecting our way to positive change.
Bless you,
Tigerlily
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Hi Tiger lily
What a wonderful post.
I think it pushed the buttons for everyone, because trusting ourselves is something that we all struggle with
As Gina I did some progress in some areas, but still not the same progress in other areas
Your posts are full of love.
Thanks a lot for your wonderful blog
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Thank you, it truly is my pleasure!
Tigerlily
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TigerLily - this is a gorgeous post (and I love the new look of the site too!). I've been writing about self trust recently also - and how it is a relationship between me and my InnerSelf - and then I realized that I had left out an important party - that I also wanted to heal the trust relationship between me and my body. Both ways. There were times when I felt my body had betrayed me .. thru illness, thru weight gain, etc - and I sensed that my body also felt that I had betrayed its trust as caretaker. So, I've been developing both relationships and learning to relax and allow that trust to flow.
Emma
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Ahhhh Emma, as always you bring such clarity with your words. You are so right about it being different relationships, first between me and my InnerSelf and also between me and my body. I know what you mean about feeling both betrayed and betrayer.
Abe would say it's also about realizing that I've never betrayed my InnerSelf or my body and neither have ever betrayed me. Any time I felt that was the case, it was just me judging the situation and not what really happened. That it's all simply experience, and unless we label it "bad or good", it's purpose was and is always only to expand our understanding.
Your words are so important . . . "developing both relationships and learning to relax and allow that trust to flow".
Such wisdom, thank you!
Tigerlily
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Tigerlily, isn't the Abraham-Hicks material wonderful? Truly this is a great time to be alive, to watch the awakening of humans worldwide to the power of our thoughts and words. Your blogs are fabulous. Your courage is inspirational. I know that you will get the body that you want.
Love, Thia
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Hello Tigerlily: Missing your astute writings. Hope you're doing well. If you need support, please feel free to write me at my personal email.
All is Well ~ Radiance Project
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